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I am looking this in the face right now. Two parents who work full-time, with one (me) who is the primary homeschooling parent and teaching 3 writing classes/week.
I decided next school year to cut-out co-op…that’s one more day AT HOME with kids. It is also one more day when makeup and clean pants aren’t an issue.
My kids are with me ALL DAY, but when Jeff and I say we’re headed to the movies or out to eat for a date night, they are disappointed. They want to be with us–even though we have been together all day.
I realize it is because the “togetherness” has a different tone at different points in the day.
When I’m working, the togetherness is muted by my focus on what I’m doing–even if I can stop to dance to a song, watch a video, or listen to a story.
When we’re schooling, the togetherness is mostly a physical proximity, or a sharing–but it is more tailored (we do not unschool).
When we go out to eat or to a movie, the togetherness is about engaging in likeminded “entertainment”. It is about the banter, laughter, or shared experience.
So Jeff and my “together” time has changed. Less one-on-one date nights and more quick captures as you described.
I’m not entirely happy with that yet–but its just for a season.
“focus on the small things that will make us a little happier for a short period of time.”
That would be one of my four pieces of advice to any young person.
Want to know the rest?
1) Be thankful for what you have
2) Once a day, do small things that bring you happiness right now.
3) Wear comfortable shoes that fit you.
4, for new brides) Shut up and put out.
(Not a raging feminist here, either.)
Whoops, forgot
5) live below your income
And #2 should start out, 2) Have big goals, but once a day…
I love all the links, Blueprint for a Womans life and Generation Z will revolutionize education. Reading and re-reading them because they are awesome.
Have you considered buying a second home in Chicago or renting a home so that during the week there are cello lessons you stay in Chicago instead of driving insane hours, then stay at the farm the rest of the time. Maybe the farmer could hire some more farm workers to help free up some more time for him. I just feel like there is a solution somewhere to give you guys more time together…
:)
And I’m not intentionally ignoring the part about your father, I just don’t know how to respond to it, I did read it on your career blog though so I was aware already and I don’t want to say anything cliche’. I just think you are amazing.
This is astoundingly good advice. Thank you.
I came across your blog through a friend on Facebook and I’d love to continue following along. Do you have an email sign up for notifications of new posts?
Laura
Hi, Laura. There’s a button on the sidebar of this page, up toward the top of the page. Click GO and you’ll get to the subscription page.
Penelope
I’m wanting to hear more about your schedule — how you get all your work done, what you actually do in the businesses you are involved in, and homeschool the kids and be actually involved in the education part.
My son is homeschooled, but I have him in two all day programs that meet 3 days a week, then I have with a tutor 4 hours a week, and I try to find other activities for him.
For the most part, his dad (my ex who lives with us), drives him around and makes his food. Also no schooling happening there, although he can manage to enforce a math worksheet every now and then.
Last week, his dad took him out to our farm (that will still own even though I haven’t paid the mortgage there in over two years) and he shot a rabbit, which we then skinned together. That was fun.
Otherwise, I’m here at my computer,writing and on phone calls, and he is trying to get me to let him play on the iPad or watch Netflix. He’s not getting schooled, that’s for sure.
How does it work for your kids?
I’ve missed connecting with you.
Ali (was Alexis last time we talked.)
“We have two parents who have full-time jobs and we have two parents who are full-time homeschoolers.
You’d think this would be a dream situation. We love our jobs and there’s always enough money. But there is no time. We cannot actually sustain the homeschooling life we’ve set up.”
To me it does not sound like a dream situation, it sounds obviously unsustainable…
You’re not going to do all these things well and your kids’ education is pretty important. There’s a reason why “teacher” is a full-time job. The post doesn’t address the unsustainability of it.
That the therapist is telling you to ADD to it is astounding.
When homeschooling, teacher does not need to be a full time job. If the children are actively engaged in what they want to learn, they will learn.
I was a teacher in public high school before coming home to homeschool my son. It is a full time job there, because you have 30 kids in a room who all don’t want to be there and you are trying to convince them that they should be learning things they don’t ever use in their regular lives. You aren’t a teacher; you are an entertainer, and a law enforcement officer.
As a homeschool parent, my son needs me far less than even part time the moments are just irregular. Even at 9 he is actively engaged pretty much all day long. My job is to keep the ball rolling with transition assistance, and assist him every once in a while when he can’t remember how to write a capital letter in cursive, spell a word, is confused by the wording in his math problem, or pronounce something in Latin correctly. Even then, if I am busy, he knows how to figure it out himself, because he has chosen those subjects. I’m secretarial and a mentor. I find library books, and do curriculum searches when he decides he wants to learn Arabic through independent study…that sort of thing. This isn’t necessarily the way it is in every homeschool, but it is highly possible to homeschool and work full time. Erratic, chaotic, but possible.
Brynn, I love your comment. Thank you for reminding me that homeschooling does not have to be me interacting with my kids 100% of the day.
Gretchen, I do not consider myself a teacher. I do not force my kids to learn stuff they don’t want to learn. My kids are smart enough to choose what they want to learn, (and so are everyone else’s kids, for that matter.)
I think what I mean by homeschooling taking a lot of time is that parenting takes a lot of time. But Brynn’s comment reminds me that parenting is mostly about being present for the kids, and sometimes I get caught up in thinking I need to do more. I want to stop that. I want to be more calm day to day, just being there for the kids.
Penelope
Penelope,
You have so done much to ease my moments of overwhelmed comparison and crazed homeschool frenzy of doing more. As well as informing me I’m not crazy (I’m an INTJ female who is on spectrum). I am glad I could reciprocate.
OK…well your responses have reminded me about some aspects of homeschooling. I get that managing a classroom of kids is different than managing one, or a few…
I still wonder about so much of the self-directed learning, and “they’ll learn what they want”…I think SOME of that is good, but I think there’s more to it. Kids don’t know what they don’t know. And one parent, with one perspective (or even two) don’t know all there is to know…
Part of me thinks the idea of homeschooling is kind of neat, but another part is very skeptical…not sure of the true feasibility of a full-time working parent being able to do it well. I personally don’t think it’s possible, but then again, I am not a type-A high achiever. I must have my downtime.
Spending a little time every day convincing each other that we want and need each other…nurturing each other’s sense of purpose.
This post was profoundly beautiful.
Most of the time, you write interesting, slightly wacky stuff and your extensive research brings me back.
I think that this is the first time that I’ve read something on your homeschooling blog that completely belongs on your career blog. I know that you’re supposed to put all of the homeschooling stuff on this blog, but this post all about time management and happiness, which are major themes of your normal blog. It’s about self determination – not for your kids, but for you. Given bounds x and y (the needs of your kids), what can you do to maximize 1) happiness, 2) marriage stability, and 3) the best outcomes for everyone involved?
I’ve said before that over the long term that much driving isn’t sustainable. You already know that. I know that Zehavi is going to be a wonderful cellist and that music is inside of him.
However, I think that driving to Chicago twice a week is getting in the way of his childhood. It makes him and you miserable, since what he wants is more time on the farm and you wish that you weren’t driving so much. I know that he’s a city kid and that he needs interaction – but you’ve also written before that what kids really need is love.
Zehavi can and will get to the 10,000 hour mark in good time. A choice that you need to make with him is how much those 10,000 hours steal from the rest of his young life.
Perhaps you should hire a driver, so you can get more out of all these long drives? You could be more involved with the kids or do some more work, freeing up kid time later.
I got a driver! I drive myself to Chicago one day a week and I have a driver the other day. And it’s great. I never would have thought it would work, but so many people told me to do this in the comments section, that I finally tried it. And it’s great. I get so much work done.
Penelope
This post made me tear up.
First, happily, that both you of you are happy in this marriage.
Second, because this struggle is so close to my heart. I actually say, all the time, that there is just so little I can actually change about our situation — difficult to decrease the negatives is right on. So much out of our control, b/c our youngest has nursing care at home, and with four nurses, SOMEone’s always calling out every week, and it throws the whole, tenuously-crafted “schedule” out the window.
And so, the advice to do one small fun thing is so, so good.
We have our kids in school right now (two older brothers, 8 and 5) but we still feel the way you do, desperately so. I think having them home would actually in a way make it easier.
Where now the end of the day there is all this pressure to connect, with so little energy left to do it, and so many chores left; with no school we’d be present to each other so much more, even if work and the responsibilities of caring for medically complex child takes the same amount of energy, we could be doing this work side by side.
Anyway, really lovely post.
The best idea/advice I could come up with is to take some of these ideas you have written here and others and post them on your refrigerator and/or other places in the house as a constant reminder to yourself and all family members.
I always get a little scared about therapists advice, mostly because I am, by training and profession, a therapist. The piece about increasing the positives is great but I could have got that from a book – or a blog. I don’t want people to think that therapy is about getting good advice, it’s really not. It’s about developing insight and understanding relative to emotional processes. Which insight is best understood in terms of your relationship with your therapist. This takes time. Good therapy isn’t getting good advice face-to-face, but trusting that another human being can create safety in a relationship and then learning how to do that yourself.
Love it from both the fly-on-the-wall therapy session and the endless battle to find the right balance. I’ve had to learn alot about productivity since I had kids but it always keeps you on your toes.
A couple of years ago my partner and I did our first stint of couples therapy. I was really reluctant, and it was hard work, emotionally draining but super useful – we were able to both clearly see and agree on the areas we would constantly have to watch for and work on for each of us.
Now whenever I feel those areas are approaching critical point I try to do some clustered attacks to get back in the black so to speak. I’m super motivated by knowing if I don’t I’ll be back in time-consuming therapy.
Time management is the great new struggle in this world we are creating, as homeschoolers moms who do everything. The missing piece of this puzzle, and really the only way that I think it can really work, is through community. Maybe you buy that community by hiring help or maybe you arrange with a close homeschooling mama to trade off sleepovers so you can get some real work done. Our social networks are one of our greatest strengths. As for your schedule, dear Penelope, it is insane. Or at least, I would lose my sanity. I suggest consuming lots of bone broth for your kidney qi.
I have been so busy over the past 10 year that I never even thought about looking for homeschooling blogs, even though I do blog and spend tons of time on the computer for my day job. This was a lovely, reassuring post that totally speaks my current life. We have an incredible homeschooling community where we live that has been very supportive. However, when I made the choice to pursue my career by working full time away from home, we made a huge, difficult transition as a homeschooling family, that is still working itself out. But, my children are thriving as they see and live the idea that mom must also pursue her interests. I consider my going to work full time (my husband also works full time but away from home) and figuring out how to continue to live a quality, alternative lifestyle, to be a huge component of helping our children think creatively and learn to make important decisions that ultimately affect their happiness.
I think you are an amazing person considering all the hardships you went through as a kid and the divorce. Anyway, i think it’s all about time management and i think you and your husband is doing a great job. It’s good to know that there’s progress and i’m absolutely sure you can handle it and not wanting to be away from home or from your kid is a great choice. You’re on the right track.
I completely agree with focusing on the small things that can make you happier. We usually focus on other things, on a bigger picture nd when things will not work out the way we want them to, we get disappointed. It’s good to know that you are making progress. I think you’re getting there. It’s all about time management and i know you can do that.
The mere suggestion of couples therapy is enough to send any guy into a tailspin, whether he’s happy with his relationship or not. The idea of airing dirty laundry and seeking advice for problems you and your girlfriend are having isn’t exactly your idea of a great way to spend the day.
It is a great thing that you are getting somewhere with this, the roadblocks sometimes really slow us down. I am in therapy with my husband, we are getting answers slowly but surely. They suggested we read Wendy Brown’s book Why Love Succeeds or Fails. Seems pretty straight forward and it is for the most part. It’s been a helpful resource for us through this. I recommend it, whylovesucceeds.com is her site. Good luck with your journey! I really took a lot from your post and I thank you!
We’re not homeschoolers, yet. But this post is completely on target for what we need to be doing, namely, creating small moments of happiness as a family and a couple.
Anyways, I’d write more, but I have to go attend to the three boys…