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10 replies
  1. Clean Veggy
    Clean Veggy says:

    This is a healthy foundation your building and I agree 100% that no matter how sincere your intention is. Nobody is going to listen to a “do as I say not as I do” speech. That type of thinking is long gone now and children can’t be expected to have better ethics than their parents.

  2. karen
    karen says:

    I don’t really understand this post. Yelling at kids is good because you’re not hitting them? Sorry. Can’t get there.

    But you know, I don’t accept yelling from my friends either.

    • Karen
      Karen says:

      PS–I am concerned that my comment will sound shaming and unhelpful. I also feel that a lot of people think, “Oh everyone yells … it’s just that some folks won’t admit it.” I actually don’t think that’s true. I surfed a little & found this interesting site about a mom who stopped yelling:

      http://theorangerhino.com/about-me/

      Note that she felt _bad_ about yelling. I think most moms with a yelling problem do. If you don’t feel bad about it, maybe it’s not hurting your kids.

      • Karelys
        Karelys says:

        Or maybe they don’t have a yelling problem.

        I see Sarah trying to figure out life as she goes together with her family. Which is a lot of what many unschoolers end up doing.

        I think Sarah is under a lot of stress and the best she managed was to yell because she was at her wits end. And it’s a good thing for a kid to see that when you cannot do it perfectly and you’re about to lose it, yelling is the least bad way to do it.

        One time I was driving on the snow and I had to break suddenly because kids came out of nowhere. I hit the breaks and my car slides. I swerve hard to the left and I hit a car that came out of nowhere (corner). No one gave me credit for making a good decision. My insurance paid for the accident and I paid my insurance a higher premium for three years. But going 10 miles an hour sliding on ice, it was a good decision to swerve hard to the left than to run into a child(ren). All that people saw was that I hit a car. It was the least worst outcome then. And I own it.

  3. jessica
    jessica says:

    I’m going to be straight here:

    It’s not okay, ever, to take out your personal anger on your kids. If you are at your wits end try to get counseling (ditch that therapist), go for a jog, get help in the form of a sitter or nanny, relatives or friends around (on a schedule so you can look forward to these things in the moments of upsetting circumstances) or at last resort put your kid(s) in school to give yourself a break. Look, it’s better than destroying a healthy parent child relationship, if you have no other options. You have to learn how to control your emotions, even when it comes to kids and parenting.

    I was really bothered that anyone would condone this as a form of teaching a child what is right. You scared the shit out of your child. How is that a lesson? What would have happened to him if he stayed in your room? He removed himself from the awful situation. You can’t take credit for that.

  4. Dee
    Dee says:

    Wow! These comments… !

    Yelling at your children every day and not noticing that it’s not the most ideal way of communicating- ok you have a problem.

    Loosing your cool- once in a while and reflecting over it- you are human and being good at it.

    You have the ability to break down and analyze traits and doings that are less than flattering to yourself. (90% of the population don’t have this skill).

    You admit you lost your cool. Doesn’t anyone see this as excellent?
    If she’d instead written about the same situation explaining how her kids/husband/the universe were behaving poorly and how unfair it is – I would get your comments.

    You can’t protect children from everything. It’s good to fight- so that you know that you don’t want to have a relationship where you fight.

    That’s an experience – you reflect over the situation and hopefully gain some understanding to why it happened- maybe even reflect over what part of your own behavior led to it- not faulting yourself, just being real about it.

    I imagine her son could have learned that seeking comfort from someone already burdened is a bad idea.
    Next time he might reflect over his parents moods/situations (empathy) and go for the parent that is open to/able to be empathetic towards him.

    In the long run- he’ll learn about timing. So that he doesn’t ask for a raise when his boss has had a bad day, didn’t sleep and dropped his lunch on the floor.

    Love isn’t avoiding conflict- its handling it.
    Being there- not leaving the situation- owning up to it.
    That’s love.
    Instead of protecting your kids from human behavior – teach them to read the situation, calculate possible outcomes, do and then reflect.
    Not taking someone’s bad mood personally is a great ability.

    “Wow- she must be having a bad day- maybe I can do something to help”.
    Instead of reacting – understanding. And giving love instead of blame.
    Just like her husband seemed to do. Noticing- and doing his part to not add to her bad mood.
    Result= thankful wife.

    To Sarah- you are great.

  5. Mark W.
    Mark W. says:

    “She has five kids, ages 13, 11, 9, 5, and 2.”

    How plausible is it to work some delegation of duties in the household among the children here? It appears to me that Sarah is taking on too much responsibility and work for whatever reason. Without knowing the full picture, it seems as though the 13 and 11 year old could help with the care and homeschooling of the younger children. I picture a healthy family as everybody working together to overcome the inevitable hurdles. No one member should have to bear undue stress without sufficient help from other members of the family unit.

  6. Teryn
    Teryn says:

    Kids do learn valuable lessons from seeing people deal with their anger appropriately. My grandpa used to count to 10 under his breath when he was angry and I find myself doing the same thing at times. I even caught my 5 year old doing it when his brother said something mean to him the other day. I also become unhinged after several busy days accumulate and the kids just wont go to bed when I’m exhausted. It’s very difficult to have self control when you are not taking good care of yourself. But I personally feel like crap after I yell at my kids so I had to find a different way to deal. Now I just lock our bedroom door to rest without interruption for a few hours if I know my husband is awake downstairs because the kids will always come to me first at night. Once they try the door and it doesn’t work they go search for someone else. I think next time I’m even going to put a note on the door that says, “Go ask your dad. Mom is sleeping” since a couple can read now. When my daughter was a baby and never slept and cried all night my husband and I took shifts for nighttime parenting. That was how we survived that time with our sanity and we still employ the same idea now when we have sick kids or one of us is desperate for sleep. I think the struggle of parenting will always be that our humanness limits us from achieving the ideal. We are all works in progress, learning right along with our kids how to be grown ups.

  7. Hannah
    Hannah says:

    Modeling is incredibly important, and not just modeling excellent behavior. But modeling how to be humble and admit you were wrong, and how to deal with being selfish without being hurtful to others.

    Life isn’t easy or perfect (even with one kid- I’m sure Sarah is laughing), and kids need to learn to deal with their need for grace at a young age, just as adults need to deal with it too.

  8. Jim
    Jim says:

    If you feel like yelling then yell, be authentic. If you feel like it’s getting out of control then fix it, be authentic. Kids are resilient. They know you love them.

    After seven years homeschooling three boys who are now teenagers I’ve learned something myself – don’t take yourself so seriously and don’t take the world upon your shoulders. Be honest with yourself and give it your best.

    It’s really irritating that people offer up their opinions about out what YOU should never ever do, or what YOU should always do, or what is never okay for YOU, or are bothered by the way YOU live. Toxic people. Stay away from them, don’t listen to them.

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