When I was a kid I worked at food banks. Which, is ironic because we should have been in the recieving lines. I never went with my mom. My Aunt took me. I dont think she took me for the experience, but rather for the help. They were always short handed.

I dont think working at a food bank taught me empathy, since I was just as poor, but rather econmics. I saw just how much stores waste to keep people coming in. But I saw stores careing by donating to the poor. I dont mind paying for things because I feel like I keep the cycle of giving going. I learned its ok for people to make money, they need money to help the poor.

It’s almost like I get so used to knowing that when I come here I will read such quality, thoughtful, helpful writing that I expect it in a selfish kind of way. Just thinking today how much better my life is because you chose to homeschool and then chose to share your experiences and making sense of it publicly. I guess I’m trying to say thank you, again.

Also, I went to an Unschooling conference called Free To Be in Arizona with 400 other parents and kids this weekend. I was blown away and am still processing all I heard and saw and was offered. I had no idea some people completely sign on to allowing their 9 year olds to play video games all night with people in different time zones around the world and then sleep all day and then start over. That there are parents who go days without speaking to their children, sometimes. And they will explain to you exactly why this is respectful parenting in their case and could be in your case too. Or four year old’s with “natural” dread locks and brown teeth. And explanations of how and why this is respectful in their case. I really am not judging, just honestly in a bit of shock, I think. It was very clear to me that these parents love their children deeply and by all outward measures their children are respectful, socially appropriate children as much as I could observe in a four day conference kind of interactions.

The thing I think I heard the most, the theme I heard, was that this is the priority for most of the outspoken/experienced/deeply unschooling families: “My highest priority as a parent is my relationship with my child and the best way I’ve found to have a good relationship is to trust them instead of require things of them that they tell me are unhelpful and that are largely arbitrary rules our culture imposes. For instance all people cycle through different sleep schedules in their life. When he gets a job, damn straight if he won’t set that alarm to get up and adjust to what is important to him at that time. Relationship building and trust as what everything centers around. ”

I brought up that I don’t care if *I* am the one they turn to for everything, because I just can’t be everything to them and the earlier I accept that, the more confident I’ll be in the roles I do play in their life. That I think my real goal is for them to feel confident in knowing how to identify and reach out to trustworthy, competent people when they need help, and there were some nods, but there were also some vehement disagreeing, I guess maybe mostly by people with younger children…

Another time in a circle discussion on respectful parenting I brought up that book that you told me you’d read, “The Anthropology of Childhood: Cherubs, Chattel, Changelings,” by David F. Lancy and said something like how I think this is important as well:

..”Perhaps the most surprising thing about “The Anthropology of Childhood” was how it taught me to value things that, in a cross-cultural perspective, might suddenly seem arbitrary: how we approach hygiene, for example, or teach etiquette. As a parent, I realized, my job is to transmit my culture. It helps to think of your child as a stranger in a strange land, like a study-abroad student you are hosting long term and to whom you must, patiently and constantly, explain the land they’re visiting.

“In our culture, we don’t put our feet on the table,” I have heard myself say. “I suppose there are cultures where you can, but this isn’t one of them.”

Then we get on the floor and play Legos, which is what we do in our culture.”

And it was…not well received. Children should not have to change for arbitrary cultural norms. That is not what childhood is about and we do a disservice to our children if we strain our relationship trying to make them do things that are ammoral. I will say that I heard from the “loudest”, most opinionated voices the most and wonder how many other parents do have a less black and white thought process on the role of cultural norms in a child’s life.

And also, I was shocked at the lack of “activism” or community emphasis. They had an Experienced Unschooling dad’s panel and someone asked something like “how do you respond when people ask you about how/your philosophy of homeschooling?” and every single one of them said, “Lie.” Or “Tell half truths like: ‘we use a lot of different curriculums!” or ‘we do a lot of internet study’.” They said they tell the answerer what will make them most comfortable, they aren’t out there trying to “change anyone’s minds/the world.” The same theme for the mother’s panel.

I guess I just think that is one of the hardest parts about homeschooling for me, is the tension between wanting to help my own community of children (and be a citizen of the world and help the children who don’t even get to SURVIVE childhood, let alone *enjoy*/thrive because of economic/war kind of factors) and wanting to meet the needs of my children that are right in front of me. Knowing that my children are in this incredible place of privilege, where they get to have a full, rich, active role in determining how they spend their childhood, and the only way I can keep going is by working to create a life where I use my energy to be community minded and invite my children along while I try to be responsible to that value.

Wow, that was really long and rambly, and I hope that it didn’t come off as judgmental. I do respect parents who say they have made their best judgments with where to put their energy as they unschool.

Ok, last thing – I have three children and I noticed that most people had only one or two, the MOST I saw was a family of four and that was the ONLY family with four children that I saw.

Ok, last, last thing. I also have felt so comforted by what I’ve picked up from you and that book you quote from the guy who quotes the twin studies and says it’s mostly genetic, how your kids turn out, so just ENJOY them, that’s my biggest job as a parent. But there was push back to that as well. I felt like most/the loudest(?) voices were convinced that unschooling was what was going to give their children “the chance to reach their potential” or “the leg up on being successful in careers”, kind of things.

I will be thinking on this experience for a long, long time. It brought up so much for me. Invaluable.