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I liked this post because it reminds me of growing up, specifically in regards to my Mom. Every Saturday (after breakfast and some tv) I had chores to do before I was allowed to do anything. I always thought that the dusting, vacuuming and window cleaning was stupid (I would actually hum the Cinderella cleaning song but change the name to “Stephanie-rella” because I was a child and hated doing all those tasks….as if anyone enjoyed them). But I also remember growing up knowing that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom like her, at least for a good portion of my kids growing up. I recognized that the reason why I probably stayed out of trouble vs my peers is that there was always someone around. While Dad may have had to work late, Mom made sure we always had family dinner and she was almost always there when I got home to ask about my day. She never missed a baseball game or parent teacher interviews, and she was one of those really active parents in both elementary and jr high (Canada system). I have literally ironed hundreds of red sashes for our choir group, and helped her sew new covers/drapes for the handbells tables growing up. I may have not been homeschooled, but she was always around the school nonetheless. So the explanation of the different types of parenting (and mention of chores) really reminds me of her and how she helped to structure my life growing up, and taught me while I would have never considered her to be a “teacher”. Makes me really appreciate all she did and how I hope to raise my own kid(s). So thanks for this post and first thing tomorrow morning I think I’ll give her a ring to talk about what you wrote.
I call myself a “benevolent dictator” dad — if you live in our home in the ways I’ve set up for us, then things will go well for you, kid. When we run out of something, write it on the list. Clean your own damn toilet. And dinnertime is sacrosanct.
Being a divorced dad I got the time I got and I figured out fast that dinnertime is when they had to sit there for at least 10 minutes and talk. They couldn’t duck me then. So they didn’t.
My older boy has always been a gamer. I’m old enough to remember the dawn of the video game age, to have lived through all that, but games never caught on with me. So he rattles on about WoW or DDO or Monster Hunter and I’m lost. But when he was four he rattled on about Yu-Gi-Oh! and I was just as lost then, and in the intervening years thanks to him I’ve developed a whole host of skills in listening while not understanding and I think I might have the boy snowed at this point into thinking I’m tracking with him.
My younger son never had anything really to say until I figured out that he’s ISTJ and I started asking him what he thinks about stuff. Holy cow did that open up the words from that boy. I learned that he pays close attention to everything and has an opinion about it all. We’ve had some fascinating conversations and over and over he’s shared with me facts I didn’t know on a whole range of subjects.
The older boy sits there eyes glazed over through this. Poor kid, he’s INFP like his dad but is only at the very beginning of his journey of figuring himself out. That’s what the INFP’s life is. Anyway, being at the beginning of his journey he hasn’t learned yet how to listen to thinkers.
But here’s the real point: the visitation years are over; they’re both in college. And they both seek to see their old dad now, and to talk to me all on their own. Thanks, I think, to dinner.
Good reminder for us all: structure + warmth = happiness
While it may not equate to happiness, science seems to show that structured homeschoolers generally do better academically: https://www.parentingscience.com/homeschooling-outcomes.html
As an ENFP (and enneagram 1 so I crave structure and have very high standards), I am struggling deeply with the demand to help my boys structure their days. Mostly bc it’s hard enough for me to structure my own time to meet my goals. Creating and managing an unschooling program depletes any energy I have.
So not only am I forced to be logistical and mundane which is withering to an ENFP if there isn’t plenty of balance with exploratory activity. But my own goals are just shelved.
Plus. Since my standards are so high, I feel constantly that I’m failing.
And I’m not rich enough to afford to outsource more than I already am.
It really feels impossible.