I’m pretty sure that the most insecure parents are the people who hate their parents.
Actually, I don’t hate my parents. I mean, they have apologized for everything I could ever want them to apologize for. It’s just that they ruined my childhood by being children themselves, during my childhood. So I have no gratitude toward them for what they did for me, and it makes it hard for me to understand what makes kids so grateful to their parents.
It seems miraculous that kids love their parents and it seems so hard, in my head, for me to be good enough that my kids will love me when they grow up. I know, this is not rational. I’m just telling you what goes on inside the head of a kid who had totally shitty parenting.
So every day that I make homeschooling decisions, I don’t just have fear that I’m making bad education decisions. I have fear that my kids will hate me.
I have talked about this in therapy. There is generally nothing to be done except to recognize that it’s an irrational feeling and try to put it in a box. (This is what dialectical behavioral therapy is. It’s what I do. It’s very common for people with messed up childhoods to use this type of therapy.)
I told this to my friend Melissa last week. I said, “Don’t bother telling me I’m a good mom. I won’t believe you. I don’t know what it’ll take for me to believe it.”
Her response was so good, that it will be my blog post for today:
I think it’s like how you know whether you’ve gone insane or not. If you’re still thinking about whether you’re insane, you’re not. People who are insane don’t know they’re insane. Or put another way, if you’re wondering if you’re depressed, you’re probably not depressed. So if you’re constantly concerned that you’re a bad parent, you’re not. You can’t be because you’re too aware of parenting itself.