I made two investments in homeschooling this week.

First, I bought Rosetta Stone Hebrew. I am worried that Hebrew is too hard for me to teach the kids. I’ve had two years of college Hebrew. I’ve also had five years of get-ready-for-bar-mitzvah-Hebrew that really add up to about one month of college Hebrew. I think this means I know enough to know that I’m going to have to ship the kids off to a kibbutz for a summer if I really want them to learn Hebrew. But I have to start somewhere. And, anyway, how do kids who live 100 miles from the closest Jew learn enough Hebrew to get bar mitzvahed?

The other purchase I made was a $99 all-you-can-learn pass at the Apple store. I thought maybe they can pick up the slack for me in the tech department even though some dad on The Pioneer Woman was railing against parents like me who can’t take personal responsibility for dealing with homeschool technology. But look, I’m an Internet entrepreneur and I can’t cope with the homeschool tech, so how can anyone else?

So I thought maybe Apple could start by teaching my kid how to get photos from my iPhone onto his blog. I keep thinking that if he could do this I could send everyone to his blog and everyone would think I’m such a great homeschool mom.

But he missed the Apple class because I put it in the wrong spot in our spanking new homeschool calendar on Gmail. And then I think that if I can’t handle the Gmail calendar, who will install the Rosetta Stone software?

We get to the Apple store for our next appointment. My son is blown away by the huge expensive screens at the Apple store (which may or may not be bigger than ours but are way way cleaner than ours). He wants to play his favorite games on the computer in the store.

The Apple person and my son sit at a computer together for an hour and look remarkably similar to the Playmobil Apple Store Playset. My son learns that Minecraft is something he accesses locally, on his own computer, and he learns that he could see a lot more of his favorite video channel if he downloaded the plug-in that Apple has downloaded.

He does not learn anything I asked the Apple store $99 guru to teach him. Because you can’t teach kids what they are not interested in.