If you are a woman who gets along better with men than women, you know who you are.
Girls became weirder and weirder to you. Until you found your spot with the intellectuals. The logical thinkers. The people who did math and science, perhaps. Or the people who memorized stuff. The groups that—science explains—are mostly boys.
That’s where the girls go who don’t fit in with other girls. It’s fashionable now to say that’s fine. It’s fashionable now to say not every girl has to like fancy dresses and bows in their hair.
For a while you find yourself around men all day—maybe in math class, playing video games, or in startup bootcamp. It feels great to be around men all day because society places a high value on being good at things men are good at. People admire you.
But then, in your 40s, the men and women separate. And you find yourself surrounded by women. Maybe at work, because men at work hang out with other men or women much younger than they are. Or maybe you are surrounded by women at parties because it becomes awkward to spend too much time drinking with someone else’s spouse. Or maybe you are surrounded by women at a soccer game after school.
Wherever you are, you have to get along with other women. If you have never been able to do this, you won’t be able to do it now. People don’t change like that. You have always been like a guy.
This is not a sexual thing. You are not gay. You are not trans. You are clear on your sexual identity. This is a social thing. Socially you fit with men. Which you are also clear about.
When we are a girl who is socially similar to boys, we think: that girl will earn a lot of money. She will do something big and smart and famous because men do that sort of thing, and this girl has a brain like that. Maybe that will happen. Maybe it won’t. But what will definitely happen is that to fit into the adult world, women have to be able to befriend women once they reach middle age.
What I’m telling you is it’s lonely to be a woman in her 40s with the social skills of a man. When you are around women, they will think there’s something wrong with you. You will not be shocked that women don’t like you. You have not been able to understand the social rules of women since forever. You will be shocked at how little access you have to men at this point in your life.
The men and women separate. This is so unexpected. And how did you get put with the women?
You will think that.
The answer is that women control social norms. For a while, there is a world where men control norms. But then the men get married and have kids, and they cede control to women. The men are happy to give women authority over all things social. The men don’t understand or care about social rules.
But there is no place for a woman who also wants to give up control of all things social. There is no woman to shepherd her through society. So she is left to fend for herself. And it feels impossible. That’s why I’m launching my course tonight. It’s about how to know if you have Aspergers, and how to cope with it, but it’s also about me creating a community for women who think like this: to stop feeling so alone.