OK, I’m working hard to not smile at this post because I must frown to not endorse the yelling. So then I’ll tell you that yelling puts kids in a state of ‘fight or flight’ that impedes the ability to learn focus way more than bathroom interruptions. But reading on, I think you know this, it’s just way too automatic and hard to stop.

So in that case, in lieu of any data, I’d suggest we borrow Dr. Gottman’s magic ratio for couples of 5:1, so five positive interactions for every one negative one. So for every time you yell, you have to balance it with 5 positive things (and be generous) so:
* 1 point for caring
* 3 points for the type-specific fun games/lists
* 1 point for saying something nice (or shutting up for 10mins)

Then you could set yourself a goal to target that each practice session and have your sons score you. ENTJs love a goal!

I’m not a perfect dad. I get grumpy. I yell sometimes too. But I have to say that the 80/20 rule as stated does not at all apply to my son’s music practice.

I’ve probably yelled at him about something in the past week, but it wasn’t music practice. I think it was him shouting at me because he was wearing headphones and me yelling back to take off the damn headphones and speak in a better tone of voice.

I think if you check around you might find that your approach – or the feeling you have that you need to yell at your kids to get them to practice – is unusual. Or maybe it’s me who is in an unusual situation; perhaps it is I who should check around. I don’t know. Survey?

My son is practicing now. All I had to do was say okay, breakfast is done, you have just enough time to practice before swimming class, and turn off the documentary.

Sometimes I fuss at him about using the metronome more, and sometimes I go in and say I think he needs to find a good youtube of that piece to really get the rhythm, because that’s not it. And sometimes I say “hey, Zelda is not on your list this week.” But practicing is his thing, for his purposes, and he does it twice every day because these are his goals. Me yelling just isn’t part of this, let alone 80% of it. We write down a list of goals together every Monday morning, and the first line item is practicing ten times. If he doesn’t check them all off, he practices extra on the weekend.

That said, I really like the big picture of this post. It’s true – and this blog has helped me come to appreciate it – that a huge part of what we must do as homeschooling parents is come to understand the personality of our children and what they need to be happy. It’s not the same for everybody or all of our children.

For my son, number one is just constant companionship. It’s idiotic on my part that it took me so long to figure that out. It’s hilariously stupid how long I projected and thought that never leaving him alone would be some sort of punishment instead of just asking him what he needed and finding it was the opposite.

It’s hard on me sometimes, but less hard than it was when he wasn’t getting what he needed and was acting out because of it. Giving a child what they need helps them become the best version of what they are, and at this point my son is great company and fun to be with. Being with him every minute all day long when he’s his best self is much much better than leaving him alone a few hours a day and having bad behavioral results.

The “big question?” Now, that is droll.

Sometimes, as I share with my son the sort of experiences I didn’t even know existed at his age (the truffle dinner at L’Espalier last night was fabulous, and omg he was adorable in his blue velvet blazer) I vacillate between thinking I am spoiling him and thinking I am preparing him well for his future. Maybe it’s both.

Yes, he’s still practicing. Viola now. No yelling involved.

“I realized, as I was customizing terror tactics, that if I stick to each son’s personality type, I can pretty much guess what they will need as a motivator.”

Where does motivation for learning come from and how is it sustained? That’s the question I often ask myself. It does vary from individual to individual so a customized approach to learning does work best. Basically, motivation is derived intrinsically, extrinsically, or some combination of both. Some individuals require more extrinsic influence to motivate them than others. So I think one of the hard aspects of parenting is to develop techniques of being a “good” parent while sometimes being a “bad” parent in the process. The parenting handbooks available for purchase are not customized for an individual parent – child relationship. There are many ideas and scenarios described and explained. However, it’s only a start. Parenting is a very experiential process where both the parent and child are ideally in a learning mode. So, getting back to motivation, when the parent is trying to provide extrinsic motivation to the child, the child is hopefully learning how to somehow become more intrinsically motivated in the process. Maybe. And then again it may be just a crap shoot. But the next crap shoot may have the odds be more in your favor for ultimately becoming a “good” parent.

Nope I don’t yell or nag about music. That said if I’m paying for lessons there will be regular practicing happening without me nagging. If this doesn’t happen then lessons are over. My daughter saw this happen with her older brother and it may be personality to some degree but she wants to continue so she practices every day without any mention from me.