This post just reaffirmed why I read your blog. You are so so honest. You can articulate so well what the real challenges of homeschooling, and work life are, and you tell them in a way that is personal, and vivid, and true. It must not always be easy to be at home with your kids all day, for you or them, but you have made a decision that is best for your family, and you are sticking to your guns, but by no means do you have your head buried in the sand. I think you are at your best when you reveal the truths about where you are at in your life right now and I thank you for that.

Love this post! I am always struggling with whether or not to homeschool my child because I know what it is like to never fit in with all the other kids who attend school. I was homeschooled in the 90s. Kids can be cruel to anything and anyone different from their own experiences, and their parents can be, too. It will be a great day when Kraft has a commercial about unschoolers.

Thank you.
This is my favorite post in a long time because it speaks to everything in my life, for my 5 partially homeschooled kids… and for me.
Seeing this topic addressed makes me feel like we do fit in somewhere, because if you’re writing about it it’s not just us….Which is why this is the one blog I read, and where I look first for a moment of peace.

That article that said it had identified the cause of addiction reached me earlier this week. I liked that it said that human connection is often the solution to addiction — that recognizes the sickness-of-the-spirit component to addiction. Healthy, happy, connected people may very well not tend to turn to substances or food or porn in maladaptive ways because their spirits are satisfied.

But I’m not sure that restoring healthy human connection to an addict is the sure-fire way to cure them, at least not instantly, because those addictive pathways they created are burrowed deep, like ruts in the highway that your car tends to naturally fall into. Perhaps human connection is a part of the healing, but learning better ways to cope has got to be another.

We have been thrown into homeschooling due to a series of very unfortunate situations. Even though I have found “under-the-radar” places in NYC to take my now homeschooled kid to go to, learn, and interact – I feel very lonely despite the very nice community of homeschooling parents here. Here’s the strange thing: when my kid was in school, I never felt the urge to connect with the parents; Now that I can no longer go back to the past status quo of institutionalized fitting in I want place to fit in.

Penn,
I felt betrayed when my parents sent me to kindergarten kicking and screaming. I remember actually not hating the cage too much though until a Catholic nun slapped me hard in the face in 4th grade for some reason. Thank God my dear Mom called that woman and told her never to lay a hand on me again.! That was in the 60’s and a lawyer would sue the school nowadays.
But once I learned the basics, reading writing math geography Etc I then felt extremely bored from then on- was in honors classes – 3rd in my class etc and just smoked weed, drank booze and stared out the window till drama rock and roll and journalism saved me which was all I ever wanted to do beside ride horses- ( there was no agricultural schools nearby although I may have enjoyed that)
So I had no real ambition which is still Kindda how I feel- but perfectly content.
My own kids went to some pretty fancy colleges and grad schools and didn’t seem to mind school too much and are all screaming successes in their professions BUT with mortgages and huge college loans etc.
My feeling tho is that were not all meant for success, or college ( or rocket science) because as you know someone has to fix the pipes when they freeze or when the power goes out- and like the farmer , raise the un-factory farm food ( and fix the tractors). So I guess I just wish, like my own blue collar upbringing showed me , we would put as much emphasis on encouraging kids to REALLY do what they want to do, ie for girls to be plumbers or fisher women and boys to be house husbands etc and maybe push for more Vocational type home schooling. Or do any if you folks do that?

Penelope, it was so disheartening to read your endorsement of that article about how love is the answer to addiction that has been in my newsfeed like crazy. Here are some of the responses to it that I think got to the essence of why this oversimplification is so hurtful to addicts and their loved ones. You should write a follow up post!

“This article is scapegoating by also blaming whatever normal people may be in the life of the addict.

The fact is, even the above statement “addiction is an adaptation. It’s not you: it’s your cage” is purely illogical and pseudoscientific. We’re physical beings. The above statement uses the word ‘adaptation’. This means the clever among you should be asking, “What adapted to what?” Answer: the brain to its environment. It is the essence of mental illnesses, including addiction, that the brain is not adapting to its environment properly! So stop this childish attempt to redefine words to suit the agenda of the exploiters. It IS you, and you need help. The second you think it’s your “cage”, you are emphatically delusional and addicted. This entire article simply reinforces common psychotic delusions often induced by substance abuse, and what a shame if victims read it.”

“I think I’ve figured out why I’m so angry about this post. It’s because I completely agree with him about social services response – that our government should put addicts in rehab not prison. As a society we should agree that the most helpful way to decrease drug addiction is to offer therapy and rehab to anyone who wants it.

But instead of using all his time and effort toward that end the author instead created an overly simplistic, feel good piece that would sell his book and get shared like crazy on social media. If this author really dived into all things addiction he would know it is not simple like he’s made it out to be. Like how he spoke of the heroin addicts and rat park and the patch as so clear cut when each of these examples are fraught with controversy and evidence to the opposite. HE HAD TO KNOW THESE THINGS AREN’T SIMPLE. Which made me think he went this route anyway for the money. “If you want to see citations for assertions made in the article, buy my book?” Makes sense, since selling the book appears to be highest on his list of goals. Which pisses me off because he had some really great insight that is now going to hurt as many as it helps. If you really want to help addicts, then call it like it is – a complex brain disease with genetic , neurological and chemical components, an element of choice, and often a good helping of trauma or neglect. I agree, Johann, “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection.” Since you understand that, it makes your click-bait premise even more offensive to those whose loved ones don’t get better. To end like that:
“We should have been singing our addicts love songs all along”?

F*** you, you “addiction expert”, I loved my addict all the way to her grave. You know what might help others not have to do the same?

Ethical journalism.”

“It reads like someone who is desperately trying to figure out “why” and unhappy with the answers and so he creates his own feel-good answer because the truth is too complicated.”

“Here’s my take, it is simplistic to say that love fixes everything. Far too many parents have loved their children implicitly, and they have still ended up as addicts, far too many spouses have been loved unconditionally and still been drunks and addicts – far too many parents have been loved by their children and yet they are incapable of accepting that love – human connection can only happen when the reasons that the addiction is necessary are out of the way and the addict is refraining from using the substance that keeps human connection at bay. The steps help us to figure out how to reconnect with other humans – the addiction is in the way of that – it’s not other people connecting with me, it is me having the ability to connect with them – and a higher power – I can love or be loved as much as either I or another is capable. When I was in the throes of my addictions I had no capacity to be loved, love myself…

His naivete regarding chemical hooks saddens me – the chemicals are in my body – it is the rush I receive from even thinking about my addiction and planning a binge. Yes, some addictions do add their own chemical highs, but it is enough to have my body crave and respond to its own chemical concoction that feeds my addiction.

I find far too often these “new evidences about addiction” are just ways to keep people from having to work the steps and have a relationship with a power greater than they are. So much of this is beautiful, but the underlying problem is not that addicts need more love and connection – it’s that they need to understand why they can’t and clearing things out of the way so they can, and keeping them clear so they don’t relapse. It’s work people, plain old hard work. It’s not easy, but it is simple. I would challenge his main thesis, and yes, far too many addicts think that the opposite of addiction is sobriety – it’s not. That isn’t recovery. The opposite of addiction is serenity – and that allows me to connect on all levels of my being – physical, emotional and spiritual.”

I kindda agree with this study finding. I just feel so too.